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Sunday, 26 Oct 2014

7 Recovery Steps to heal from a breakup and be truly happy by Life Coach Malti Bhojwani

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Malti Bhojwani offers Life Coaching and NLP techniques to help you heal.

 

(Please scroll down to read the comments - so many have been added in the past few years and I have tried to personally answer each one - there is so much to learn from other readers' experiences and most of all, you will see that you are not alone and you will get through this as I have.)

We have all had relationships in our past that didn’t work. Then there is the one that got away, but shouldn’t have. This is the one that felt as if it was meant to be. This is the one that felt like true love yet just would not work. You felt like the Universe conspired to bring the two of you together against all odds and all the signs were positive and pointed in the direction of the two of you being together. How do you let go of a relationship like this?

When your partner in that relationship was at his or her best, he or she met all of your needs. He or she was the perfect fit for you. If he or she could have been that way with you 100% of the time, rather than just sometimes, you would be in the relationship still. The times he or she was everything you needed are hard to let go of. You have been looking for that kind of love all of your life.

Sometimes he or she did. But other times, he or she wouldn’t. You wanted to make, force, remind or talk him or her into it. You did everything possible to make him or her be the way you wanted 100% of the time. You used all the ways you could to evoke the behavior you wanted. Read on for some coach yourself steps to recovery.

 

“Pain is inevitable. Suffering is optional.”

—M. Kathleen Casey

 

Have you ever experienced excruciating physical pain, from a fall or an accident or a pinched nerve and you felt the pain every day, you woke up in the morning feeling the pain every single day, went through your day and routine sensing the pain, dull ache sometimes, sharp pain sometimes and then bearable sometimes…and then one day, as if by magic, you wake up pain-free. You almost have to check, you touch the area and you ask yourself, where is the pain, and you are so grateful because you noticed that it is gone! Heartache is the same.

After a breakup, many experience a sharp physical pain in the chest or a sense of nausea and sickness in the stomach. This is normal and it does go away. I promise.

***Author's note***I myself went through the most painful breakup and although my friends and family kept reminding me that I am a life coach and that I should be able to "snap-out" of it, it was a challenging journey. In fact in hindsight, it was through writing this article that I healed more and more.

 

“Those who do not know how to weep with their whole heart do not know how to laugh either.”

—Golda Meir

 

Tears are normal, anger is normal, feeling the pain is normal, wanting to talk about it incessantly with anyone who will listen is also normal, be kind to yourself and allow yourself to grieve till you get to the stage of acceptance. That is when you will wake up and go to bed “pain-free”.

Losing a loved one through a breakup emulates a similar sense of loss and grief as losing someone to death. You will survive. You will heal, even if you cannot believe that now, just know that it is true. Don’t feel guilty for feeling this pain and do not compare your situation to others. To feel pain after loss is normal. It proves that we are alive, human. But we can't stop living. We have to become stronger, while not shutting off our feelings for the hope of one day being healed and finding happiness again.

There are stages of grief and all of us may go through each one of them or not, and the time we take in each stage also varies depending on our willingness to move on and our past experiences. Some of us may breeze through some stages, because in some way, we already went through them whilst STILL in the relationship.

Generally the five stages of grief are:

1-Denial-"this can't be happening” “ I don’t believe this”

2-Anger-"why me?", blaming!

3-Bargaining- this often takes place before the loss. Attempting to make deals with the partner who is leaving, or attempting to make deals with God to stop or change the loss. Begging, wishing, praying for them to come back.

4-Depression-overwhelming feelings of hopelessness, frustration, bitterness, self pity, mourning the loss of the person as well as the hopes, dreams and plans for the future. Feeling lack of control.

5-Acceptance-You have to accept the loss, not just try to bear it quietly. Realization that it takes two to make or break a relationship. Our goals turn toward personal growth. Stay with fond memories of person.

BE VERY HONEST NOW:

How long were you in the relationship?

How many days were you angry and felt you would be better off alone, or wonder if you could change your ex? Threaten them into doing what you wanted? How many times did you cry or were you upset and dissatisfied with how things really were, out of the entire time?

How often were you drunk when you felt really happy with each other?

How many hours in a day were you truly satisfied and happy?

How much time did you say or think “this will get better”?

How intimate were you really towards the end of the relationship?

Physically? Emotionally?

How well did you communicate? How much did you really say and how much did you hold back?

How many times did you outwardly or inwardly complain about your partner?

Be truthful.

This is a very important step. If you need to, ask your closest friends and family members to help you remember and be truthful about the numbers here.

Finally you left the relationship. You knew you deserved better than just some fraction of what you wanted. But the attachment to your ex lingers. It lingers because you never succeeded in making them fulfill your needs completely. It feels as if you failed. You feel that somehow not getting what you wanted was your fault. If you were only good enough your ex would have given you the love you wanted, all of the time. After all, they did give it to you some of the time. If you were slimmer, fitter, not so controlling or jealous, if your mother was nicer to them, if you could cook better, if you had more money to spend on them, if you were smarter, better looking, if you gave more attention, smoked or drank less, dressed better, showed more respect, were more tolerant…

Another thing that keeps you hooked into that relationship is anger. Anger arises when someone has something you want but won’t give it to you, especially when the giving of the thing would seem to be the natural or the expected thing to do. You are justified in being angry, yet anger is a way to stay connected to someone, albeit not a positive way.

Thoughts of jealousy, that they will be with someone else faster than you have recovered and that the next person will “benefit” from all the stuff you taught them and they will give freely and quickly what you waited so patiently for them to give to you! That the new person better embodied the stuff that you believed your ex wanted in a partner.

This is where you have to be very positive and have utter faith in the Universe that the two of you were brought together to go through the learning and the evolution that you can only do in a relationship. As you may already know, it is in a relationship, more than anywhere else, that we can discover who we are. I seem to remember God telling Neale Walsch in one of the Conversations with God books, that the exquisite gem relationships have to offer is this ability to tell us who we are, and who we are not.

Our relationships, then, mirror back to us what we don't like about the way we think we have to be. The cosmic mirror reminds us what we don't like about what is going on in our life, and reminds us of what we are tolerating that we don't want to tolerate any more.

Those who are wise, when they come up against themselves in this way, ask the question "What is this uncomfortable situation telling me about me?" Those who are unwise ask the question "Why doesn't so and so change?"

So look at the relationship as a course or a workshop, where you got to learn certain things about yourself and KNOW that the learning is embedded in you.

Think of a time when you studied really hard for an exam in school, you learned and you know, however it is only when you read the question that your mind will go in and extract that particular answer, so even if you cannot identify or list all your learnings, know that you have learnt and when the time comes, you will act and come from a new place of “knowing”.

The next person in your life in an intimate relationship will be attracted to the “you post the ex”!

So, if you discover through common friends or Facebook that they are seeing or committing to another person in a way that they did not do with you, bless them. You loved this person and to love means to truly want the best for the other person and for yourself. If you have ever sold a home, or a car, because you have out-grown it, does it mean that the house or car should remain unused in a museum? Do you want to be the eternal curator?

There is another reason why it’s hard to let go of the relationship that got away. The person you were in love with truly had great qualities. With your ex, you had an incredible connection. Maybe they loved you intensely. Your ex may still love you. The only problem in the relationship was that they could only treat you well part of the time. The rest of the time, they acted hurtfully towards you and you towards them.

It is very difficult to throw away this type of connection. And it is more difficult still when you interacted with the wonderful, caring side of them. Having to walk away from such a relationship can be the hardest thing you will ever do. Even when you walk away it may still pull at your heart.

It is so much easier to let go of someone when it is clear he or she doesn’t care about you. It may even be easier to let go of someone who dies, because there is nothing that can be done. But to let go of someone who is well and alive and loves you is an incredible task. Yet let go you must if the partner you are clinging to is not willing to meet your needs.

So how do you do this? How do you let go of the living, breathing former partner who may love you, or whom you may love, and yet who is not good for you? How do you let go of the one who seems to have been the one?

The first step is to understand that your partner would have given you the MOON if they could have. Even when they appeared to be holding back or hurting you on purpose, they were always doing the best they could. Understand that your ex never intentionally hurt you.

***Click here later and watch this video to help you accept that it was NOT personal. “Letting Go”. ***

To let go of your past relationship, you will first need to forgive your ex, forgive yourself, and understand that their behavior was not your fault. Understand that all that they did, the good and the bad all together, comprise the totality of this person. Sometimes they were wonderful and sometimes horrible. And all of the time your ex was the person you cared for.

There is no way you could only have their good side. Because you were connected to the whole person, you had to experience the bad side as well. Their bad side was hurtful, and in the end the bad outweighed the good. Since the bad side was a part of the package and could not be changed, the whole package had to go. Just like a doctor may recommend that you amputate a bad finger, instead of risking losing the entire hand.

You can’t stop thinking of your ex. You have to find other things to think focus on.

Whatever you do, do NOT think of a BLUE ball now.

What happened there? Honestly? You thought of a blue ball!

***Author's Note***

It is also so uncanny that my book is called "Don't Think of a Blue Ball" and at the time that I wrote this article, I had no idea what the book was going to be titled. ***

I am not saying that it takes a fixed number of days or weeks or months, this varies for all of us, but it does not have to take too long. You do not need to give yourself time to move through the stages and reach acceptance and being “pain-free” It can happen in an instant or never, here is where your STRENGTH and willingness to be logical and positive has to kick in.

Time has NOTHING to do with it!

It is all to do with making a decision.

“Once you decide to take the first step toward your success, the universe magically rearranges everything to make it all start happening for you” - Malti Bhojwani

The day after a break up or the year after (if you haven't found a way to heal) may seem like you are waking up to a nightmare. The reason it is so painful is that more than loneliness, you are feeling emptiness. Being lonely is manageable, but feeling empty is different. Emptiness can strip the meaning; from everything from which you once derived enjoyment including your job, friends, family, and hobbies.

Your mind, body, and heart are basically saying to you,

"Hey, what is the point of any of this without them?" Well, there is a point. When you quiet your mind

and look deep within, you know it to be true - your life has

meaning and though it seems impossible, these feelings

will pass.

Fortunately, you don't have to allow time to do the magic.

You can relieve the pain and bring meaning back into your

life now!

Life Coach Recovery Step 1 – Replace the Triggers

(NLP term – create new pathways)

Identify the main triggers - times, places, and activities that cause you the

most pain and makes you feel the most empty. Create a new option. If it is dinner-time, make sure you have plans for dinner every night. Whether you have a specific movie or show to watch, something to cook, a game or sport to play, find things to negate the triggers. Adjust your old routine.

Coaching Recovery Step 2 – Engage a support network

This could be one or five people you can be yourself with and not hide what you are feeling, at the same time, ask them to help keep you busy and occupied, either through hanging out with them or supporting them in their activities.

Even if the last thing on earth you want is to have company, force yourself. You need to be around caring and loving people!

Coach yourself Recovery Step 3 – Rediscover yourself

Start a journey toward self-discovery. As you move through the process of healing, you will also need to explore answers to questions such as "Who am I now?" and "Where do I go from here?" Take time to get to know yourself. One mistake many people make after a relationship ends is almost immediately trying to find a new partner.

Most experts suggest waiting before starting a new relationship. During this time, focus on healing, on learning and growing and on getting to know yourself again. Know that we are not the same person yesterday that we are today. We are all transient and who were are at any given moment is changing. We are not the person we are when we step into a movie or read a new book, we all come out slightly altered, knowing and realizing something we did not know before. We are making decisions about our perspective on life every step of the way.

So what more with an intimate relationship, we have to acknowledge and appreciate that being with this person for however long altered us in some ways. Many of us change when in a relationship, we try to mould ourselves to better fit in or accommodate the other person, we are a part of two and often put our own preferences on the back burner to either enjoy the other person’s ways or just to spend more time together.

This is the time to be you again and get to know the you that you have evolved into “post-the ex”. Make choices about every little thing independently, like what to eat, listen to, where to go and what to wear. And even if you notice that some of these choices are influenced by your ex, they are things that you adopted, because you like them and it is not a bad thing to inculcate them.

Life Coaching Recovery Step 4 – Be the best you

Now is the time to focus on your own needs, wants and desires. Pamper yourself. Splurge a little on things you might have deprived yourself of in the past. At this point you will come to realize that although relationships are nice, you can be everything you ever needed, to yourself. The only true way to attract a positive love into your life is to be independent and to be the best that you can be. Start making plans for the near future independently and remember that even when you meet someone new, these are choices that you made for your life, and a huge learning would be to not let your partner change these plans too much.

Enjoy old interests and explore new ideas. If you loved to listen to music on your iPod, or play the piano, or pat a dog before your relationship but gave it up because the relationship took up too much of your time, now is a great time to go back to doing those things. It's also an excellent time to do the things you've always wanted to do, such as learn to dive or ride a horse or go skydiving or cross-country skiing.

Embrace your freedom. You are free again and freedom is and always was your birthright. Look at this as the blessings and opportunity to explore your freedom again. Use this time to invest in yourself and make yourself the best that you can be. Get fit and healthy, look great, build your career, strengthen all your friendships and connections, and explore your spirituality. You have the time now, so do it! Trust that the next person you meet is also using this time to “better” himself or herself and you two amazing people are just “preparing” for the magical moment when your worlds will meet!

It could also be possible that the Universe and all the wonderful opportunities that are yours, are waiting just waiting for you to decide whether you are ready. Once you make that decision, which is to heal and move on, you will notice that like a dam breaking free, your work and financial opportunities and connections will open up as if by magic. All you need to do is decide! I am not suggesting that you can't have it all, or that it has to be this or that, not at all! In fact I do believe that we truly can, however it has to be when there is perfect synergy between your true self and a partner who is being true to him or herself too.

Recovery Step 5 – Clean Up

I am not going to suggest you do or don’t clean up evidence of your ex, photos, gifts, cards, emails, messages. These are just material and they represent an era in your life, which was sacred and beautiful. The time will come when you will be able to look at these things and smile. Songs will often trigger memories of your ex and that is something that you get to keep. I do not believe in bonfires or in pity parties either. As soon as you are over the anger stage, stop rehashing the story to friends and acquaintances. Respecting what you shared is the adult and dignified thing to do. Encourage your friends to be curious about you and your life not about the past. If you must, cut out the people who trigger negative thoughts and words and “make you” talk nastily. If they are true friends and well-wishers, they will be around when you are ready to re-connect with them.

Having said all that, it is crucial for your healing that you DO NOT email, text, call, or Facebook your ex during this period. You may also need to work out some logistics and financial stuff. Arrange to do this quickly although you may be tempted to keep these doors open so you can still contact each other. The “let’s be friends” attitude does not work when you are healing. When all of the logistics have been accomplished, you should avoid contacting each other. That way, you can both get your lives started on your own. I cannot stress more HOW necessary this is to moving on. Only AFTER you have healed, and your paths cross again, will you be able to consider friendship. True friendship is only possible when you are healed.

When you have healed and you hear of your ex's success and that he or she is succeeding and growing in their lives, you will feel truly happy and be able to feel pride and joy for them.

Recovery Step 6 -  FEEL HAPPY – Express Thankfulness, Appreciation and Gratitude everyday for at least 90 days.

I am sure you have heard of people speaking about the art of gratitude and the benefits it can bring to you.

Did you know that it has now been scientifically proven that regular practice of gratitude can dramatically change your bodies chemistry giving way to a more peaceful body and mind?

The Heart Math Institute has 15 years of scientific research proving that a simple tool like the art of gratitude can dramatically reduce stress and improve performance for individuals and organizations.

If you take 5 minutes every day to write down the things you are grateful for that day, you will have no choice but to feel happy and possibly even smile while you are doing so.

These 5 minutes of giving out happy vibrations will magnetize more happiness back to you.

If you have not already got one, buy yourself a Thankfulness Journal –

Click here to view our Gratitude Journal

The smiling is a great way “to trick” your mind. By smiling, the body sends signals to the mind that you are happy, even if you are not. Eventually the mind WILL accept the state of the body. Even when you are going about your day, force yourself to smile, despite the fact that you feel terrible, read jokes, watch comedies, appreciate and notice the beauty that surrounds you.

This too is simple NLP – (Neuro-Linguistic Programming)

Recovery Step 7 - Honour the love

Do something to honour and cherish the true connection between your ex and you. There was a wonderful part of him or her, a loving and nurturing part. There was love for you; there may still be love for you. You may always love that part of your ex.

How? In prayer, in your heart, in your thoughts, and in your actions.

When you are ready, send thoughts of peace, healing, and joy to your ex whenever thoughts of your past relationship cross your mind. Whenever you miss him or her, send him or her your love. In this way you can still love him or her, while keeping your distance and protecting yourself from his or her hurtful behavior.

If you believe in NLP and in Angels, you can have a life coach or a NLP Practitioner help you with the “cutting-cord” process.

You may be hesitant to honour your ex. You may be afraid that it will make you go back into the relationship with your ex. But it won’t the reason to honor your connection is not to somehow bring your ex-partner back. Instead, by honoring the good of the relationship, you become free of the anger you feel towards him or her. By honoring the gifts he or she gave you, instead of focusing on what he or she did not give you, you will begin to feel peace and gratitude for all that you shared together.

Remembering that your ex came as a complete package, combining the very good with the intolerably bad, will give you the strength to not go back into that relationship. And freeing yourself of anger at your ex will give you the ability to move on and deeply love another person. It is not easy to move on to another relationship after such an experience. It is not easy to attract love, or give your heart to someone new. It is hard to believe you will have such love and passion with anyone else. But follow the steps – especially 1, 2 and 3 – (Replace the Triggers, Engage a support network & Rediscover yourself) above and you will be on your way to being happy single again and when you least expect it, BAM!

Remember that this is not "Project-getting over your ex", or "Project-dealing with the breakup"

Remember you cannot not think of a blue ball. Or stop thinking of a blue ball. However you can start thinking of a new life. This IS  "Project living your best life"

Be the best you.

Physically - if there is weight to lose, use this time to focus on how you want to look, exercise, eat well, build your body, get a new haircut, buy new clothes, clear out your wardrobes.

Financially - set your career, business and work goals and achieve them. Ask yourself how many waking hours do you spend on this pursuit vs. simply wasting time?

Spiritually and Creatively - what does your heart want to create and do? What movies, CDs, books have you always wanted to touch? What talents and hobbies do you have that still remain untapped and unexplored?

Adventure - what experiences do you want to have?

Significance - who are the people that you make a difference to? Who possibly missed you when you were in your last relationship?

Remember, you cannot NOT think of a BLUE ball!

Moving on means to have new focus and life purposes.

A good way to discover your purpose and set some goals immediately if to imagine that you are 75 years old and looking

back on your life. You are talking to a young visitor and you are saying to him or her, I had a great life because...fill in the blanks.

What we did just now was the very beginning of goal setting. Coaching will help you focus on YOU and the rest of your life. It is only when you fill your thoughts and days with actions towards building yourself up stronger, more successful, the best you that you can be, that you will truly move on.

If you are going through a challenging time getting over an ex and moving on, perhaps a 12-week program with a life coach can support you in getting where you want to be. You are welcome to book one single “Break-Up Band-Aid” call for $90 and the decide if you would like to sign up for 4 or 12 sessions.

Email me and we can see if I feel I can support you.

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Author’s Note:

I have coached hundreds of people, men and women through their "moving on" stage and I chose to write this piece as I am no stranger to breakups either. I had the puppy-love one, which was very painful and as you may know, I was divorced at 26 with a 6 year old daughter and recently broke an engagement. I have felt my share of heartache in different magnitudes personally and through my clients. Some that measured 5 on the Richter scale and some that felt like a 9. I remember what I suffered through and realized that NOONE, at least no one who I can reach should need to suffer through that kind of pain.

I also know that it is not the end of the world that we think it is when we are going through the pain and that healing is possible and very positive. I believe that many stay in this pain cycle too long because movies, media and old beliefs convinced us that we need this "time" to heal. False. We don’t need to endure or suffer the pain, we just have to make the decision that we want to HEAL and move on. Create a life by design. You are free again to decide and live the life you desire!

The Universe is NOT punishing you, it is rewarding you, this is not the end, it is just the beginning of your beautiful life.

Malti Bhojwani – Multi Coaching International

Inspired by

Amelie Chance

Love Coach Rinata

And many other NLP and Coaching resources.

 

If you would like to take advantage of our 2014 promotion, book a personal phone session with Malti herself for just $90 here: This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it

 

If you have the time, read Sonny Carrol's poem as well. It has gems that has inspired my own writing through the years.

 

The Awakening

 

The Awakening by Sonny Carroll

A time comes in your life when you finally get it...
When in the midst of all your fears and insanity you stop dead in your tracks and somewhere, the voice inside your head cries out - ENOUGH!

Enough fighting and crying, or struggling to hold on. And,
like a child quieting down after a blind tantrum, your sobs
begin to subside, you shudder once or twice, you blink back
your tears and through a mantle of wet lashes, you begin to
look at the world through new eyes.

This is your awakening...

You realize that it's time to stop hoping and waiting for something to change, or for happiness, safety and security to come galloping over the next horizon. You come to terms with the fact that he is not Prince Charming and you are not Cinderella and that in the real world, there aren't always fairy tale endings (or beginnings for that matter) and that any guarantee of "happily ever after" must begin with you and in the process, a sense of serenity is born of acceptance.

You awaken to the fact that you are not perfect and that not everyone will always love, appreciate or approve of who or what you are ... and that's OK. (They are entitled to their own views and opinions.) And you learn the importance of loving and championing yourself and in the process, a sense of new found confidence is born of self-approval.

You stop complaining and blaming other people for the things they did to you (or didn't do for you) and you learn that the only thing you can really count on is the unexpected. You learn that people don't always say what they mean or mean what they say and that not everyone will always be there for you and that it's not always about you. So, you learn to stand on your own and to take care of yourself and in the process, a sense of safety & security is born of self-reliance.

You stop judging and pointing fingers and you begin to accept people as they are and to overlook their shortcomings and human frailties and in the process, a sense of peace & contentment is born of forgiveness.

You realize that much of the way you view yourself and the
world around you, is a result of all the messages and
opinions that have been ingrained into your psyche. You
begin to sift through all the junk you've been fed about how you should behave, how you should look and how much you
should weigh, what you should wear and where you should shop and what you should drive, how and where you should live and what you should do for a living, who you should marry and what you should expect of a marriage, the importance of
having and raising children or what you owe your parents.
You learn to open up to new worlds and different points of view. You begin reassessing and redefining who you are and
what you really stand for.

You learn the difference between wanting and needing and
you begin to discard the doctrines and values you've
outgrown, or should never have bought into to begin with and
in the process, you learn to go with your instincts.

You learn that it is truly in giving that we receive and that there is power and glory in creating and contributing and you stop maneuvering through life merely as a "consumer" looking for your next fix.

You learn that principles such as honesty and integrity are
not the outdated ideals of a by gone era, but the mortar that holds together the foundation upon which you must build a life.

You learn that you don't know everything; it's not your job to save the world and that you can't teach a pig to sing. You learn to distinguish between guilt and responsibility and the importance of setting boundaries and learning to say NO. You learn that the only cross to bear is the one you choose to carry and that martyrs get burned at the stake.

Then you learn about love. Romantic love and familial love.
How to love, how much to give in love, when to stop giving
and when to walk away. You learn not to project your needs
or your feelings onto a relationship. You learn that you will not be more beautiful, more intelligent, more lovable or important because of the man on your arm or the child that bears your name.

You learn to look at relationships as they really are and not as you would have them be. You stop trying to control people, situations and outcomes.

You learn that just as people grow and change, so it is with love; and you learn that you don't have the right to demand love on your terms, just to make you happy.

You learn that alone does not mean lonely. You look in the
mirror and come to terms with the fact that you will never
be a size 5 or a perfect 10 and you stop trying to compete
with the image inside your head and agonizing over how you
"stack up."

You also stop working so hard at putting your feelings aside, smoothing things over and ignoring your needs. You learn that feelings of entitlement are perfectly OK and that it is your right, to want things and to ask for the things that you want and that sometimes it is necessary to make demands.

You come to the realization that you deserve to be treated
with love, kindness, sensitivity and respect and you won't settle for less. You allow only the hands of a lover who cherishes you, to glorify you with his touch and in the process, you internalize the meaning of self-respect.

And you learn that your body really is your temple. And you
begin to care for it and treat it with respect. You begin eating a balanced diet, drinking more water and taking more time to exercise. You learn that fatigue diminishes the spirit and can create doubt and fear. So you take more time to rest. Just as food fuels the body, laughter fuels our soul; so you take more time to laugh and to play.

You learn that for the most part in life, you get what you
believe you deserve and that much of life truly is a self-fulfilling prophecy.

You learn that anything worth achieving is worth working for and that wishing for something to happen, is different from working toward making it happen.

More importantly, you learn that in order to achieve success you need direction, discipline and perseverance. You also learn that no one can do it all alone and that it's OK to risk asking for help.

You learn that the only thing you must truly fear is the great robber baron of all time; FEAR itself. You learn to step right into and through your fears, because you know that whatever happens you can handle it and to give in to fear, is to give away the right to live life on your terms.

You learn to fight for your life and not to squander it living under a cloud of impending doom. You learn that life isn't always fair, you don't always get what you think you deserve and that sometimes bad things happen to unsuspecting, good people. On these occasions, you learn not to personalize things. You learn that God isn't punishing you or failing to answer your prayers; it's just life happening.

You learn to deal with evil in its most primal state; the ego. You learn that negative feelings such as anger, envy and resentment must be understood and redirected or they will suffocate the life out of you and poison the universe that surrounds you. You learn to admit when you are wrong and to build bridges instead of walls.

You learn to be thankful and to take comfort in many of the simple things we take for granted; things that millions of people upon the earth can only dream about; a full
refrigerator, clean running water, a soft warm bed, a long hot shower. Slowly, you begin to take responsibility for yourself, by yourself and you make yourself a promise to never betray yourself and to never ever settle for less than your heart's desire. You hang a wind chime outside your window so you can listen to the wind, and you make it a point to keep smiling, to keep trusting and to stay open to every wonderful possibility.

Finally, with courage in your heart and with God by your side you take a stand, you take a deep breath and you begin to design the life you want to live as best as you can.

 

 

I hope this article and the comments below have been helpful and that you are feeling better. If you would like a little MORE support, book a coaching session with Malti. Visit www.maltibhojwani.com

 

***

PS: I subscribe to Mountain Wings and I have found many of their emails very helpful. Here is one that fits in with this article so well.

-------------------------------------------------
MountainWings       A MountainWings Moment
#3231          Wings Over The Mountains of Life
-------------------------------------------------

How Can You Mend A Broken Heart?
=================================

How do you mend a broken heart?

We get a lot of prayer requests asking to simply pray for their
broken heart.

So what do you do when you've got a broken heart?

Here are four steps that will help you up that mountain.

1. Occupy  2. Gratify  3. Sanctify  4. Glorify.

Occupy:
Occupy your time, don't sit around moping.

Do something.

Idleness is the soil of self-pity and depression.  Get busy.
The best thing that you can do is to do something that helps
others.  It's a universal principle that when you start focusing
on helping others, your own problems are diminished.
Don't just stand there, DO SOMETHING!

Gratify:
Write a list of the things you like, then pick three of those
things and put those things in your life - now.
Make sure you can afford them and that they aren't harmful.
When our hearts are broken, we often deprive ourselves of the
things we enjoy.  Make an effort to put enjoyment in your life.

Sanctify:
Do good.  Don't return evil for evil, hurt for hurt, pain for
pain.  Don't wish something horrible would happen to the other
person.  Hope for their good fortune in your spirit, and it just
may release your good fortune in your world.

The easiest way to forget someone, is to truly wish them well.

Glorify:
Life is not over.  You can live without them.  Not only can you
live without them, you can live even happier without them.
It is a matter of perspective.  Even with the negative in your
world at the moment, there is something to be thankful for.

There is plenty to be thankful for actually.
Give God the glory for what you have.
You can't be sad and thankful at the same time.
Tell heartbreak to move over.


A famous comedian said,
"A man isn't a man until he's had his heart broken."

It's not really broken, it's just tenderized.

~A MountainWings Original~


 

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Comments

0 Malti 2014-06-12 10:28 #120
Quoting Ceci:
I'm so thankful to you and to God to've come across this page, definitely has helped me a lot :D

Sending you lots of love, healing and blessings. God blesses :) Esp the God within you. :) Allow yourself to start enJOYing your life again.
M
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0 Ceci 2014-06-12 03:26 #119
I'm so thankful to you and to God to've come across this page, definitely has helped me a lot :D
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0 Malti 2014-06-09 19:26 #118
[quote name="Krissi"]Going thru a break up (3weeks now) ...
Dear Krissi, if it is really just about the communication with the ex and you really VALUE this relationship then do what it takes to keep it. However, in my experience, a breakup isn't usually just about the presenting issue. Ask yourself how much you truly want this man in your life and how important he is to you. Also ask yourself what is the true "pay-offs" you get from the alliance with the ex. What does interacting with him make you feel? Think about your top values, you can have a look at a list here: http://www.multi-coaching.com/Register/download-free-e-book-and-resources.html
If your top values include, freedom or trust for example, perhaps you are not comfortable with his lack of trust?
Sending you love during this difficult time. I know it hurts even though you may have chosen it on some level. Time heals and just be sure you are clear on your own feelings. M
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0 Krissi 2014-06-09 03:48 #117
Going thru a break up (3weeks now) been together for 7 months and this is our 3rd break up. All due to my stubborness . He(32) is everything I have asked for and completely different from my last relationships. Im(30) very social media savy due to work n was still in touch w my ex cz of the business we have together. He never liked that n hinted I change that n every time we broke up I said I will change that but I didnt cz honestly I had no bad or hidden intentions so I didnt really see the urge to change that. Fool of me. I realize it now tho Im just so stubborn. He says he cannot trust me tho I never lied to him or I dont even know how I broke the trust at all. He also said if were to get back together his friends which are like his family said they wont support his decision. Its been over a week since I last saw him or spoke to him. I regret for being so stubborness for something so simple n unnecessary like staying in touch w my ex. I cant let him slip away I love him very much.
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0 Malti 2014-06-03 12:20 #116
Quoting arun jalai:
i fell in love 2 yrs ago with the same person . but i was a playboy. i recently found that i truely loved that person who i fell in love 2 yrs ago . i gabe her few calls and she said she also like me but i know her body language very well . i knew she was just playing around . i dont know what to do :oops:

Well Arun, if you really like her then respectfully and consistently let her know. As you said, you were a playboy 2 years ago so surely she does not know what to believe now and will find it hard to believe and trust you. If you are serious about her and truly committed to the way you feel, let her know in a dignified and consistent way by giving her and showing her what she needs. Do you really CARE about her? Show it!
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0 Malti 2014-06-03 12:18 #115
[quote name="savana"]i have been in a very dysfunctional ...

Dear Savana,
I hear your pain and I have been there, boy have been there. The unanswered texts and the sheer disinterest. As painful and hard a pill it is to swallow and as cliché as it may sound, some relationships do have an expiry date. It is not anyone's fault, but the tracks have diverged and it is already way over-due time for you to to set your sights on your own career and perhaps meeting someone later when you are emotionally independent again. You have changed too in this relationship, so let it go with gratitude and dignity.
Sending you healing for the pain and lots of love.
Malti
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0 savana 2014-06-03 10:19 #114
i have been in a very dysfunctional relationship for the past four years and now that all this time has past i feel like it might be time to let he go. My bf is 32 and has two kids i am 25 with no kids working full time and going to school full time. I really didn't know where to turn or how to get out of a relationship i have been stuck in for so many years now. Reading what you had posted really helped realize that sometimes we have to do things that are painful to bring out the best in ourselves and the other person. My bf pushes me away and doesn't seem to want me involved at all in his kids life but he also will not give the time of telling me he doesn't want to be together anymore. In really hurts to be in love and care about someone who really doesn't seem to have time for you or care about you as much anymore or just ignores your calls and texts when i ask how his kids are and how he is doing. his kids always come first and i respect that and understand what i have to give up.
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0 arun jalai 2014-06-03 03:20 #113
i fell in love 2 yrs ago with the same person . but i was a playboy. i recently found that i truely loved that person who i fell in love 2 yrs ago . i gabe her few calls and she said she also like me but i know her body language very well . i knew she was just playing around . i dont know what to do :oops:
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0 Malti 2014-05-20 12:28 #112
Quoting kiran:
should I meet him for a last time maybe for a walk so we can tell each other of our feelings? is this the best way to get closure? im not sure if hes half as gutted as I am Xx


Hi Kiran, If you guys haven't been able to communicate for so long, then my gut says, let him go.
I believe that when a relationship still has “life” and that we are still meant to travel a path together then it happens and becomes easy.You deserve to be loved completely.
Let him go.

I can’t stress this enough....let it go, forgive yourself and forgive him and let it go. Fall in love with yourself again and be the best you can, physically, emotionally, financially, in your education, with your family and watch how someone wonderful will come and sweep you off your feet.

Hope this helps...
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0 kiran 2014-05-15 11:38 #111
hi, ive just recently broken up with my boyfriend of 5 months. it wasnt serious or anything but theres a sense of disappointment because we first had feelings for each other 4 years ago and only told each other recently. it turns out that in these years that we didnt talk, we had both changed so much and we just werent compatible at all anymore, or maybe we never were. although I realise that breaking up was for the best its still so difficult because we havent ended on a definitive break up, but rather a 'we should maybe leave it for now and see each other in the summer' but we've barely spoken since. should I meet him for a last time maybe for a walk so we can tell each other of our feelings? is this the best way to get closure? im not sure if hes half as gutted as I am Xx
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