Nurturing relationships across oceans is quite the test of affection. Here are a few tips to ensure you don't drown along the way

The key to a healthy relationship - communication, intimacy and the joy of each other's company - go for a toss when distance comes into play. Whether your girlfriend has gone away to study further or you have been posted for a job abroad, don't condemn your love life to George Clooney's state in Up in the Air just yet. While John Denver sounds like he is going to die in his awfully overplayed classic Leaving on a Jet Plane, our experts believe that long distance relationships don't need to be the end of your world.

Here's why:

Different strokes
While men and women both have the same basic needs from a relationship, Supriya Nair, director at Ascend Psychology, believes that women handle long distance relationships better. She cites recent research conducted on people who have lost a partner that shows that widows deal with the loss of their partner better than widowers. This can be extrapolated to the fact that women can adapt better. This probably explains why the Leonard Cohens of this world never make happy music. Dealing with long term relationships might be harder, but all it takes is a little discipline to make it work.

Just talk
Sexologist Dr Prakash Kothari believes that the key to keeping things sane is a four letter word: T-AL-K. Communication is key when you are with each other; when you are apart, it is even more important. Non-verbal cues are absent over the phone, e-mail or chat, so it is imperative that you pay keen attention on the way you speak. Nair says, "Don't keep your topics mundane such as 'What did you do today?' or 'How was your day?'. Make conversations more interesting, and talk about things like you would when you meet face-to-face.

Life coach Malti Bhojwani believes it is easier to sustain a relationship in a world dominated by social media, but one has to take the effort to make things happen. "Men lack patience in a relationship," she says. "You need to be disciplined and patient. Delegate an hour or so in your day to spend together - whether it is on Skype, just chatting online or over a phone call. She is not part of your day-to-day life physically, but that doesn't mean she isn't in your life at all. Just a post on her wall, or a tweet or a sweet SMS she can wake up to can work wonders. It makes her know you care, and this way you are still doing things for her."

Dirty dancing
Intimacy is one of the biggest issues in a long distance relationship, but given the technologies at hand today, it is much simpler than before. Kothari feels that Indian women are much more open to phone sex than their foreign counterparts. If you find yourself groping at air while trying to strike an erotic conversation, recreate a setting which has turned both of you on earlier. Also, your imagination is a beautiful world where your intimate moment can be colourful than it was. A good altered memory, we say.

Skype and other video conferencing softwares are the best ways to share a hot conversation feels Kothari. Bhojwani adds, "When you speak to each other on Skype, don't dress in your pajamas. Why not look good for your partner? You are surrounded by pretty people, and looking at your partner in home clothes every time could be a put off."

Doubt mongering
Bhojwani says that long-distance relationships that don't have a goal are doomed. There will be times when your partner just won't respond to your messages or will go out with people you don't know. Trust goes a long way in making things stick. To make things easier, Bhojwani advises that you keep your partner clued into your plans.

If you feel like love is waning, Bhojwani advises that you be honest about your feelings. Thinking it is a 'phase' might lead to further complications because of the distance. But if even conversations don't help rekindle the fire, better let your partner know rather than doing something hurtful. After all, like Jack Johnson sings in Sitting, Waiting, I can't always, be waiting, waiting for you.

Kevin Lobo for Times Group

As featured in print in the Mumbai Mirror - 20th January 2012

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