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Thursday, 18 Apr 2013

Emotional intimacy - The Essential Daily Requirement for the health and longevity of your relationship

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“Into-me-you-see”

Without intending to stereotype the genders, as soon as I sent out a “survey” and asked people to share their views on intimacy, somehow most of the women sent in their feelings of what Intimacy means to them on an emotional level and most of you guys out there sent me stuff that made me blush.

So what is emotional intimacy?

As a verb "intimate" means "to state or make known".

"Into-me-you-see"

Intimacy requires an ability to be both separate and together participants in an intimate relationship. This is called self-differentiation.

A professional's definition:

Intimacy means that we can be who we are in a relationship, and allow the other person to do the same.

“Being who we are” requires that we can talk openly about things that are important to us, that we take a clear position on where we stand on important emotional issues, and that we clarify the limits of what is acceptable and tolerable to us in a relationship. "Allowing the other person to do the same" means that we can stay emotionally connected to that person who thinks, feels, and believes differently, without needing to change, convince, or fix the other.

perle bleue

Intimacy is not the same as intensity, although we are a culture that confuses these two words. Intense feelings — no matter how positive — are hardly a measure of true and enduring closeness.

In fact, intense feelings may block us from taking a careful and objective look at the dance we are doing with significant people in our lives – Harriet Lerner PH.D, Psychologist and Psychiatrist, author of "The Dance of Intimacy"

What is not as easy as it sounds is, navigating the delicate balance between separateness and connectedness. It is an art that we all need to cultivate if we want to remain intimate with our partners.

If you use the analogy of “dancing” when you start to change your steps and your moves, and your partner picks up your nuances, and starts to dance with you, that is making responsible and lasting changes that enhance your capacity for genuine closeness over the long haul. It is not about changing the other person, which is not possible; it is though about changing yourself. What you are willing to accept in the other person and how autonomous you are willing to be in the relationship.

Often, we fear being independent at the risk of losing the other. We have to have faith that the relationship is serving them as much as it is serving us. Human beings are self-preserving, we automatically choose the option and path that leads to an easier way to preserve a way of life that works. The fear of losing the partner is often mutual. And when there is love, our need for each other is usually mutual. So, have faith in the love.

Are you still in love with your partner?

Have you stopped talking and sharing your days with each other? Has silence crept in?

Have you stopped touching and feeling each other with genuine desire. Is the passion alive? Do you kiss passionately like you once or is it now replaced with occasional pecks?

Are you listening to each other?

Are your own responsibilities greater then your partner’s responsibilities? As a result, is one of you left feeling unappreciated? Have you stopped eating together? Or do you eat in front of the TV?

Do you find yourself calling your partner names to them and complaining about them behind their backs?

If you answered yes to any of these questions, your relationship is lacking intimacy.

Relationships quickly deteriorate into a boring, cold, and lonely existence for one or both mates when the couple loses emotional intimacy in the relationship.

The relationship can grow silent, angry, or resentful. This is where extramarital affairs can begin or when divorces occur. When emotional connectedness, also known as emotional intimacy, deteriorates the consequences are detrimental on the relationship. Maybe you have heard a close friend or family member confess…I feel all alone in my relationship. What this person is saying is I am hurting, I feel lonely, I feel depressed, I feel angry, I feel resentment toward my spouse. I feel insignificant and unloved. You have the ability to rediscover the desire and passion for each other that was once burning if you take the first step to make a difference. However, you cannot work on the emotional intimacy for a day and expect lasting change, you must work each and everyday from this day forward. You must feed your relationship every day so it does not starve.

Why remain in a loveless or sexless relationship, when a few changes, can save your relationship and renew desire for each other.

I am going to share with you a magical secret. Something you wish you knew long ago. Something that I usually only share with my clients if they specifically showed a need for it.

It is so simple and many of you guys out there would be wishing you had this sort of “cheat sheet” on all the girls you ever went out with – it would have guaranteed you more “action” on your dates. ?



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So here they are,

Love Strategies

Think of a time you felt truly and completely like you were being loved.

Was it something you heard, saw or felt?

A couple, John and Jane went in to see a hypnotist for some marriage counseling.

They were feeling like they had lost the magic in their relationship and they were a couple that were once “madly in love” with each other.

So the Hypnotist asked John first to think of a time when he felt like he was truly and completely being loved.

“Think of a time, perhaps in your childhood”

Was it something you heard being said to you? A touch? A gesture?”

John answered that he felt loved when –

He heard the words, “I love you John” He loved hearing his own name being uttered out loud.

He also felt loved when he was cooked for, when he knew that the woman he adored, cared enough to go to the shops, buy ingredients, chop, marinate and spend time and effort in the kitchen for the sheer pleasure of satisfying his palate.

Jane was asked the same question and she said that she felt truly loved when -

She heard the words “you are so beautiful, Jane” whispered in her ear. Her name being said to her made her feel loved.

When she was given thoughtful gifts, flowers or chocolate, basically when someone spent their precious time and money on her. She wanted to know that they were willing to give up something precious to make her feel good.

And when someone ran their hands through his scalp, his hair. Almost scratching with nails, through the top of his head, the neck, the sides of his head, he felt cared for, nurtured, loved…adored.

When she was held firmly around her waist and kissed on her neck. Especially from behind her. Her waist is a pressure point that made her feel sexy, feminine, beautiful and desirable. She felt like she could lose herself in wild abandon and relish in the sensations of pleasure and hedonistic satisfaction when help that way.


 


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Comments

0 Vanessa 2011-03-07 00:03 #1
Great Article!!
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