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Date excessively, mate exclusively by Life Coach Malti Bhojwani PCC

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Men and women fall in love differently, while women feel an immediate affection and care for the man, men are usually only physically attracted at first. They like the way she looks or they think they could bed her easily. Men think about sex every time they meet a woman. Their filters work immediately putting her in one of three categories, 1) they may want to sleep with her, they will never sleep with her or definitely want to sleep with her. After she’s been categorized in this way comes the further line of questioning…..which is usually, “yeah just for a one-nighter, or a quick fling” or hmmmm she may make an interesting friend, or lastly, I realllllly like her, and I think I could fall in love with her. Of course this last category is the minority.

Although men do want to find “the one” too, they have been spoilt by sex being so readily available unlike in the previous generations, making them less likely to want to commit too soon as an intrinsic physiological disposition is to sow their oats as many and as far as they can!


Unfortunately women do have the raw end of the proverbial stick, as this delay in wanting to commit and settle down on the male’s part leads to the women’s biological clock starting to tick, family and societal pressures kicking in and they become desperate to make things happen faster because they are so frustrated with waiting and waiting for the right guy to show up or for the men around to make a real move on them.


This often leads to women either making first moves, or trying to rush the whole dating ritual, and some even jumping into bed with these men and this in turn has the reverse effect on the men, as physiologically they would retract and run away. The women moving in too fast killed the chase for the man, which is what he was designed to do.


If he is really interested in her in the last category – the “I could fall in love with her” one, then things will flow with ease and he will make plans to take her out, be very curious about her life, work, friends, family and her dreams.


On the flip side, when she falls into any of the other categories, he may say you will call, take the number and never call, the two may hang out casually but never actually make plans to go out specifically, he may sleep with her but never call her his girlfriend, call/text late at night to hang-out (hook up), be evasive about his own plans for the weekend, not wanting to commit to doing anything with her unless nothing more exciting comes up. When he offers casual “hook-ups” - read late night booty calls, what he is saying to the her is: “I like spending time/having sex with you, I am selfish and I do not like or respect you enough to commit to being your boyfriend”


And when women with low self esteem, accept this offer, in the hope that they may truly be OK with mating the way men do, thinking that the physical intimacy may fill the emotional void, or they may be insanely thinking that “maybe if we have sex often enough, he will fall in love with me” all she is doing is reaffirming her low self regard, which is “I am not good enough”


Trading sex for love and intimacy never works.


Women need to wake up to learning to work on building trust with a man with whom she can be honest about her feelings with before trusting him with her body.


So girls, don’t look at every guy who asks you out as if he is “the one”. Remember that you too may have to kiss a few frogs before one of them turns into your prince. But ladies, leave it at kissing please, more than that is not going to turn a confirmed frog into anything else, it will only cause him to slip out of your grasps and hop hop hop way to the next potential.


When women opt to sleep with their dates really early in the game so that “he does not lose interest” guess what, he would lose interest anyway, and she will end up feeling needy and emotional, making her even more unattractive to him.


So even at first chance, women fall for the charm and conversation and men for the looks. This is not superficial or bad, it just is, it is how our brains are wired differently.


When he is attracted and then she responds positively to some of his attempts, he becomes more interested (he sees hope) if she does not show any interest it is very easy for an emotionally independent man to walk away without too many of his feathers being ruffled.


However if he sees some appreciation coming back then he is a man on a mission to make her really like him even though at this stage he himself is not quite sure what he is going to want to do with her once he’s successful. Men do not waste time thinking when they are in “pursuit” or “hunting” mode.


This is the best time for the girl as this is when he is showing off what he can do, he is very charming and attentive, he wants her to like him a lot!
Now, please do not misread this, he is not falling for her, his focus is on making her fall in love with him. He likes her, don’t get me wrong, but he is still far from loving or committing to her.


All this while he has been so busy pursuing her and making her like him that he has not paused for a second to ask himself if he really likes her.


When he is convinced that she’s in love, only then does he sit back and evaluate, using a combination of logic and feelings to decide if he wants to be with her at all. If at this stage he decides he can see a future with her, he truly likes her, he will allow himself to fall in love, if however he does not see it, he will lose interest, get bored and move on or for some men, he may look at the ROI (return on investment), “I’ve spent so much time and money on her taking her out, I might as well get something.” So unfortunately, this is when he may “just for the sake of it” seduce her to bed, only to slowly fade away soon after, leaving her quite disillusioned and hurt.


It may be selfish, but it is just how men are made. Pursue, chase, hunt and then decide what to do with the captive. This may sound really unfair and women would think it is a horrible thing to do, but this is just how it is (mostly) so be aware and hold your horses as well.




Part of this article was featured in The Times of India in an article by Kevin Lobo on the 20th of February 2012

Excerpts were also featured in on the 1st of March 2012

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Last modified on Sunday, 17 June 2012 02:08

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